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September, 2020

One word we all have heard everyday since March is the coronavirus/COVID-19. In my adult years, this is the first time seeing a pandemic like this, for a lot of us, this is a first for us. A pandemic that affects our day to day lives. In 2009 it was a swine flu pandemic, I was a teenager then so school, working, and sports were my top priorities. I wasn’t a parent nor did I have my own bills then. Even with the swine flu things were totally different than with Covid-19. It has created a new normal for us all.

With the stay at home order in place earlier this year, a lot of changes took place for us all. Schools being shut down. Childcare outside of schools some were shut down or different opening and closing times. Jobs that were not considered essential, the workers could not work. Dentist offices and regular doctor’s offices were closed, being advised not to go to the hospital unless we we’re in much need to. Certain outings were not permitted until advised otherwise, Mandatory wearing of a mask so even just remembering to grab one or having to buy them for your family members to wear a mask each time you stepped outside your house. All these different things and more made it hard for a lot of us.

Ways Covid-19 have affected me

  The biggest way would have to be childcare. With schools being closed and the daycare opening and closing at modified times. I’ve had to take on another hat which is being a teacher in such a way, well at least that’s what it feels like for me lol. Online schooling has been tough for me the way the teachers teach and explain and the way I do I know are two totally different ways. Still working through this pandemic has been another challenge. I’m thankful for my job and being able to still work. Being an essential worker I’ve still been working this whole time putting my self at risk and being in the high-risk category of COVID with having asthma, and not wanting to bring COVID back home with me after working has been on onward stress of mine. Dentist appointments I had scheduled were canceled which caused me to have to go to the emergency room, just to get medicine to deal with tooth pain which created another medical expense for me. Not being able to fulfill my personal business ventures because being a mother and the needs of dealing with school always come first on my list. Unable to intend my regular church services but still watching my pastor online. My anxiety has been at an all-time high. Having dealt with so many different things, already having a full plate, and more being adding. I feel as that is not enough time in the day. Me time is at an all-time low, it’s work then mommy life and repeat. Driving to and from work is the only alone time I get. I’m the type of person who needs there alone time to be at there best. Trying to find a balance can be a bit much at times.

Ways I cope with COVID

I go see my therapist weekly, before phase 2 opened up I would have weekly zoom calls. I finally get to go physically to my therapist’s office. Zoom calls are one thing but actually being face to face is much better. That has become my (me)time just an hour for me to focus on myself. I have also learned not to let my anxiety get the best of me. I can only control what I can control, So I keep that in mind every time something doesn’t go the way it is expected to go. I’ve always been very hard on myself and I never give myself a break but now I put aside one day a week to be a chill day to do nothing. I always like to keep myself very busy but everyone needs a pause sometimes.I’ve also picked up new hobbies around the house to replace the places I can’t go right now. Recently my church has opened back up so I am now able to intend church on Sundays again.

Covid-19 I know has made a lot of us look at life differently in a lot of ways. Things we once took for granted we no longer have at this moment. Things that we have in our control are no longer in our control. One thing I have learned is we can only do what we can do with the resources we have. I believe what is meant to be will be. Just remember before a rainbow, it always rains. Until next time -Jay

August ,2020

Goals are very important and give your life structure, they help you succeed what you truly desire for your life. I want to share my yearly goals from last year and my yearly goals for this year. The short-term goals I have help me stay focus on my yearly goals. Smaller stepping stones can lead to progression so your yearly goals become more reachable and achievable.

2019 Goals 

  • New job 
  • Move to a new neighborhood 
  • Start going back to church 
  • Pray more
  • Treat myself 
  • Become closer to my family 
  • Get out the house more 
  • Restart my cleaning business

                                                                        

As a whole 2019 was a very life-changing year for me so much I had lost, but so much I gained. Goal #1, A new job after 5years at my previous it had become physically and emotionally draining, being a manager in retail had started to take a toll on my body. Changing pace and having a schedule that allowed me to be off weekends and holidays was such a relief for me and my family. Goal #2, Moving didn’t happen the way I envisioned for me, but the outcome of the abnormal circumstances was such a humbling experience. I love my new setting, surroundings, and my new home. Goal #3, I started to go to church as an adult on my own not because I was made to go like as a child. I became a member of my church and go each Sunday, as of now because of COVID19 I watch my pastor online. I have also became involved in community service projects for the church and some that I do separately.

Goal #4, ties into goal #3 I do my bible studies and fast 3 times a week. Those days I call my mind and spirit days. I do not pray only before bed , I’ve made more time for god on a daily. Goal #5, I make myself a priority now so I treat myself each chance I get It’s not always about spending money, sometimes it’s just small simple things. Goal #6, This goal started out going great but I realized after some time it’s only so much that I can do that’s in my control. I now put in the same effort with the family members that put effort into me. Goal #7, I get out so much more I’m an introvert so everything I love I can do at home. Going out is always refreshing I go to the trails weekly and out to shop instead of ordering online so much. I make it a point to go out every weekend now. Goal #8, This goal was not reached only because I decided to start new ventures, like one being this website/blog I do more things I love and have a passion for, so it doesn’t feel like work.

 2020 Goals

  • Meditation 
  • Work on self-care and self-love
  • Networking website wise. Evolve 
  • Get out of my comfort zone 
  • Save money, Housing goal
  • Less stress (emotions are just feelings they will soon pass )
  • Be a better mother, sister, daughter, friend, mate, co-worker, listener, etc.

My 2020 goals are still in process but I will share how my progress is going on them. Goal #1, Meditation has helped so much with my anxiety and my stress levels so this is a practice I’m glad I put to use. I didn’t realize it would be so helpful to me. Goal #2, My self-love journey is going so well. I have been falling in love with myself in such a way I think everyone should. Self-care ties into self-love, I’ve made myself a top priority inside and out. Goal #3, Every day I learn more knowledge by networking and from the things I observe and find on the web. It’s so much you can learn and offer to others if you just take a chance and put yourself out there. Goal #4, I’ve started to get out of my comfort zone slowly but surely, even if that means doing things alone. I now understand how much getting out of your comfort zone can help mentally and emotionally.

Goal #5, A new job that pays more has helped so much with my progression on saving, I now have money for my needs and wants also having money left over to save. Learning the importance of savings has come in handy in times like now with the COVID19 pandemic. Saving has become a priority for me now, I’ve started taking a homeownership class and looking into different resources to help, with my buying a home process in the coming years as well. Goal #6, Less stress means dealing with no mess, that has been my motto all 2020 it has been working great, if it’s not positive I want no parts. Goal #7, This is just me developing into the person I know I have the potential to be inside and out. Be the person to people you want in your own life.

I’ve always been a goal-oriented person but as I got older I realized just how much we as humans need goals. It’s never too late to start making progress in certain areas of your life. Each day is a new beginning, knowing your working towards future accomplishments. What are some goals that you have?

July 11.2020

Hi ladies,

These last few weeks for me have been emotionally draining. I’m still trying to be positive though. One thing I do know is storms do not last forever. Soon after the storm a rainbow or the brightness from the sun will appear.

The things I love to do like writing, journaling, reading, creating DIY projects, community service projects, and serval other things, I have not felt in the mood to do so lately. With some people doing those things even in a downer mood will get you to feeling better but in my case with writing, and my projects those things I am passionate about, I always want to be at my best when I work on them.

Right now I feel like I’m just going through the motions of everyday life and I will continue to do so until I feel at my best self once again, because through my own problems I know everything around me is still going on as normal. I am still here to listen and talk and I will continue to update the website with my daily and weekly tabs because I want to always be here for others. I will update chit chat time in due time until then be a calming spirit and a listening ear.

-Don’t forget to smile

-Jay

June 13th Birthday Post

Today was the day I was brought into this world 26 years ago. In my 26 years life hasn’t been the easiest but who ever said life would be easy? It’s about lesson learned and Trials and tribulations.

I’ve been through my share of tough times . It’s times I didn’t want to be on this earth but I look at my life as the meaning of a semi colon ; I could have stopped but I kept going. Happy that I chose to ,I wouldn’t be able to experience the life that I have made for myself now if giving up was a option. Since it wasn’t I have now found my purpose , found my groove .

Everything I have been through lead me to the path in my life now. Times I felt I couldn’t breath makes it easier for me to breath now. Times I felt like depression would over take my life makes my smile brighter today.

I know my self journey is not over my happiness has not exceeded ,my purpose in life has not been met. I am thankful and grateful I have a gift and that gift is to be here for people in situations that I once felt I wouldn’t make it through. Be that listening ear and calming spirit for them in that time. Sometimes a conversation with a genuine person is all that we need.

Be the best you can be with the best you can be and keep working on yourself in the process. It’s okay to make mistakes because it’s all part of the process YOUR process. Once you reach that don’t look back, don’t worry about what or who you left behind worry about what and who you have now. -Jay

June 2020 Self-Love.

Self-love -Regard for one’s own well-being and happiness (chiefly considered as a desirable rather than narcissistic characteristic).

That’s the definition of self-love something that seems so easy but has so many levels and can be so difficult at the same time. How can you really know self-love though if you really don’t know what love is? How can someone else love you the way you need to be loved? What if you didn’t get shown the right kind of love growing up it starts from being a child.

As Children we are so innocent. We don’t see things as we would see them as now being adults. We have endless influences on the internet and magazines seeing women with perfect hourglass figures. We have make-up that can cover-up all our blemishes, all types of things make our bodies look smaller. Different types of enhancers that can make our outer appearance look better, and just for a little make us feel good on the inside but does that really help? Sometimes we forget about the natural us everything under the things we cover-up that make us, us. Do we really forget or are we trying to avoid and look over the part of us?

I didn’t realize self-love was so important until I realized I didn’t have self- love it started to hit me at the age of 19. Growing up I was always fit I ran track for about 6years had the perfect figure in my mind for me. makeup really wasn’t a big thing then,Well for me I saw other girls wear it but it wasn’t my style . It didn’t really hit me up until after my first child. Weight was a big issue for me I gained around 45lbs when I was pregnant with my son everyone always talks about the cheers of being pregnant and childbirth. The other parts like the weight or the acne or how all the nutrients from your body is going to your child which could strain your eyesight, affect your memory, skin, etc… Not just during but pregnancy after as well.

I couldn’t get the weight off I now had stretch marks on my inner arms, stomach, on my thighs things I use to remember memory-wise  I couldn’t I could have just put something down and have no recollection of where I had just placed it. My skin was so splotchy and oily, I have asthma and always have had it under control I now got winded so fast. My anxiety was at an all-time high I now did not have the patience for anything and felt like everything was out of my control. On the inside and outside, I felt a mess. I felt I hated myself everyone would say “your so pretty” “the weight looked good on me”. “Things will go back to normal”. When ? is all I could think, it didn’t matter what everyone said or felt I didn’t feel that way about myself or my life. I didn’t see the me everyone saw. I knew the true me was still inside, but I felt like this was my new normal.

I had to stop self-analyzing all the unperfected parts of me and embrace myself embrace the changes ,love the new me look forward and not backward. Work on what I can and have the power too. For me, my weight stop eating so much fast food and late-night snacks, drink more water and less juice that would be my start. For my skin cleanse it daily, start taking my skin, hair, and nails vitamin daily. Take my daily walks just for fresh air and to enjoy the beautiful scenery that nature has to offer a little something extra I just do is put up my inspirational notes around the house reminding myself I’m beautiful, I’m a perfect imperfection. I’m the author of my own story. Only I can make changes for the better of me mentally, physically& emotionally

That was just the start of my self-love journey. I try and do things on a regular that are out of my comfort zone. I’ve found new hobbies that bring me joy, I spend time alone, I do self-care activities because I know that is important for my self-love. I do silly things as well I dance with myself to the music I sing as loud as I possibly can when I’m home alone lol. I sometimes even get dressed up and put makeup just to take a picture, but when I do put makeup on now it’s because I want to not because I feel like I have to. When my life seems like it is moving a mile a minute I take the time to meditate take my deep breaths in and out deep and slow and give myself a few moments to regroup. I understand my value and my self-worth I don’t look on the internet and wish I had that body, that flawless skin, her confidence. Im perfectly unique in my own way and that’s fine with me I have thoughts here and there but who doesn’t I’m me and as long as I’m happy with the work in progress I am that is all that matters.

At first, it might seem a little scary maybe impossible. I just got to this space of self-love around a year ago. Inside and out I feel like a completely transformed me. For the better of course, I challenge you to start on your self-love journey if you haven’t already. Go into it with an optimistic mindset that is one of the best self-care decisions you can make. You are worth it remember that, until next time be a calming spirit and a listening ear.

-Jay

Single parenting. With my son May 2020

Most women first thought when having a child is they want a perfect little family the wedding the house and the togetherness. I was no different i wanted all that as well but shortly after my son was born reality hit me really quick. I wasn’t working at the time but noticed i was the only person doing for my child with the money i had saved up from working prior. Some parents can co parent after ending a relationships but with me and my sons father that wasn’t the situation. Zymirr’s father was unwilling to make the sacrifices to be a provider, his concern was to hold on to the lifestyle of a single man. I had to accept that and live for me and my child.The fairy tale i once had was not my reality.

   When i had to move on from the fantasy of us 3 being together i had to make a tough decision so i decided to go stay with my grandmother. Although she was able to provide support and nurturing for my son ,i knew the best thing for us would be to venture out on our own. When my son was about one i was able to make moves to get us into our own place. this was both thrilling and terrifying. The thought of being totally independent was so exciting however, the idea of being totally responsible for everything was scary. 

 Being on my own with a new place and having a one year old was a lot of getting use to. Some of the parenting adjustments where my son now being one it was time for milestones to be met. Getting him off the bottle, the pacifier, getting him to sleep in his own bed , eating more solids just to name a few. Finding someone to watch him while i went to work then coming home doing my home and my motherly duties. Having all sorts of new bills that you don’t filter in when staying with someone, the new environment. Learning how to balance all of that and not forgetting about myself was a lot for me at times. 

 Time flew and my son was now turning two. I was now realizing maybe he needed speech therapy, he wasn’t talking much so i found some resources on who to call how to set up a appointment and did just that. I took a few days off work to handle this i knew this would leave me in a crunch with my money flow but my sons speech was now was my top priority. This was all new to me yet another process alone i tried to include my sons father but he was not as interested as I would have thought. Me and my son got through it together. The speech therapy was over at age three so with the help of speech a therapist and the work me and him did together at home the progress was amazing. Talking to him more and properly, not always handing him things and letting him tell me what it is he needs or wants helped tremendously.

At the age of four Pre-K started so a new stage of life for the both of us. I didn’t want him riding the bus i felt he was still to young and this would be his first time around a group of kids more than 4 or 5 because i never had him in daycare or in a setting like so. Pre-K was an adventure fitting homework into our schedule planning stuff for parties and the adjustment of him being sick all the time because of the new exposure to germs around him. It caused separation anxiety for the both of us. You would think that a child would be the only one suffering from something like this. My son had been the most important thing in my life for so long both of us were affected by this. The separation did allow me to rediscover what it was like to spend time with just myself although this was difficult it allowed me time for personal growth. It was helpful for him as well to interact with kids his age group. What started as a difficult time for both of us actually allowed both of us to grow.

We are now here in kindergarten in the last months of his Pre-K year I enrolled my son in after school ,so from Pre-k to kindergarten his after school was also for the summer so now I had permanent childcare while I worked .At this point i started a new job and we moved so things would be a little different than Pre-K year. My job and our home was all in a 10 minute radius prior to the move. We stay further now and i work earlier. School time would be from 8:00am -3:00pm and my work time was now 7:00am-3:00pm. Since he was a car rider i had to figure out a different plan for transportation. Thankfully since he was already in after school before his prior year of school ended the daycare van was able to drop him off and pick him up from school. Homework was done at after school so after i got off and picked him up home was just the normal evening/nightly routine. It was a little different not having so much on me but it was a help at the same time.This school year i have not been able to be physically involved with school activities, with the new job and different work hours than before. I still make sure i stay involved with his schooling and keep up with his teacher through emails and class communication apps they have provided.

Single parenting has been a journey and a learning experience with each day, each week, each month and year i adjust better with it. We have reached the age stage now of losing teeth, little league sports, him now being able to tell me what he wants for christmas ,learning how to read and write sentences just to name a few. It’s so exciting seeing our little ones grow into little people. Everyday for me is not a cake walk but everyday is not a challenge. We get through it the best way we know how and that’s all that matters. Parenting did not come with a manual so we can never go off script. 2+2=4,3+1=4 and 0+4=4. Just because we all might do things a little different we all have the same goal and that is to do the best we can for our Children. Remember you are not alone in this journey Until next time ….-Jay

My experience with depression-jay April 2020

Y’all ever get into this weird headspace ?Where you really can’t pinpoint why you feel down but you’re just down in the dumps and feel like their nothing is going right . Don’t want to eat , Sleep barley want to be bother with anybody . All you wanna do is lay in a bed and mope .

People around you may think that you’re just acting funny but in reality you’re not , because it’s so much going on in your head. It doesn’t help for me that I’m an introvert so I’m a thinker by nature that’s how it hits with my depression being that I have PTSD ( Post traumatic stress syndrome). I also have anxiety and depression which is caused from my PTSD I get into my moods and it’s like nothing can get me out . It’s like in my head I’ll be thinking if I just do one small little thing I could feel better ,But it’s like I don’t even have the energy to do that little small thing . I just be so down I don’t want to talk nobody because I don’t like given off negative energy to other people so i just go back in my little shell .

It’s a lot of things in my life that trigger my depression. Childhood situations but I can say I it really didn’t start till I was an adult . At a time when my depression was so unmanageable I didnt even wanna live anymore I had just had my son I was over weight from the baby weight weighing 218 and I always weighted between 150lb -160lb I had moved into my own place his dad sold me a bunch of dreams. That wasn’t true everything I believed about him he showed me different in time and that whole relationship had fell through.

Of four years so here I was I had a little baby didn’t really have much help also paying new bills being on my own so it was just a lot at one time and I wasn’t really unhappy with my weight I felt insecure and it’s like I really started to hate myself I feel like I didn’t know myself anymore because all I was a mother and I didn’t know Jay anymore and then again I also hated myself because I felt like I didn’t give my son the chance at having a real family I should say because of who I decide to lay down with.

I stop eating I pulled away from people . I was going to work physically but mentally and emotionally I was numb I was only working because I knew I had to pay my bills like I just didn’t care and I didn’t know what it would take to make me happy again .I was just so depressed so down I didn’t want to talk I didn’t want friends it’s like I wasn’t even trying to make the situation better I was just stuck in my thoughts that was where my depression first started and when I realized it wasn’t just the mood swings ,when I couldn’t come out of it then a months passed and I finally started /wa!ting to feel better I started to do things for myself starting going out realizing I can be a mother and be myself Jay again at the same time if I wanted to treat myself like get my toes done ,go out to eat things like this he will just have to come with.

I started to go outside enjoy the weather I started to take me and my son on strolls writing because my passion is really writing , started therapy to figure out what was going with me and different ways to deal with my depression , it then started to ease up and my life got some what normal more highs than lows just focusing on me and ways I could be the best jay I could be so I could be the best mother I could be .

Years passed my son is about two now and I get into a new relationship so me and him are dating and it’s just like I got a new up beat . I had been by myself for like 2 yrs by this point just being me and my son so this was all new to me and I had a different upbeat so everything was more smoother my son had a male role model and it was great and then a few months down the line I whind up getting pregnant with my second child things were so much different from when I had my son , then one day when I got my first ultrasound my doctor saw my placenta wasn’t the way it was supposed to be and I was Diagnose with something called placenta previa . The Definition of placenta previa for those who do not know Placenta previa occurs when the placenta implants before the presenting part. Classification depends on the relationship between the cervical os and placenta. So in smaller words meaning more complications but I tried not to worry so much because I had somebody here to support me and was with me so I knew I would get through it. As the time went on my partner went through some pending legal troubles and had to go away for a little bit and now it was me out here having to do this again on my own with a child and another on the way . With my partner being away and this new pregnancy having complications with , but I still had to keep everything together work ,home life , taken care of my son and the child growing inside of me and physically alone .As time went on the pregnancy got worse and had to go to doctors Appointmens bi weekly so doctors could continuously check on my babygirl .

I start to fall right back into my depression and even though I was trying to be strong for my growing child and my living child I had so much other things on my mind. I ended having her preterm at 24 weeks a mirco premie and then my mind was really messed up . I felt like I was on a rollercoaster. I hit lower than I ever had.

My daughter whines up coming early and I feel like that’s when my depression started to effect me the most again. stressing about her and her situation then my son .I felt numb balancing work, home life ,going to see my daughter in the nicu and finding someone to watch my son because he could not go to the nicu and still feeling down because my partner was not here in the physical aspect in which I needed him. Yet again I stop eating , stop talking and start stressing more & more . I was just going through the motions . I felt like zombie . I started to self medicate on pills my weight started to drop rapidly , any other time my kids always pushed me to go hard but I couldn’t see past the bad . So as of March 2016 my kids where away and I decided to take a hand full of pills because I just wanted to sleep for a while no thinking , worrying nothing. That very day I overdosed and I had to help myself at the time because no one knew or was there . That was my wake up call I realized that day before I wasn’t ready to face life J truly deep down didn’t want to get better but this time I took it more serious and did , so I started Therapy again and really started to manage it putting everything on the table I made vision boards to look at printed out pictures that reminded me of happy times so I can look at that at all times so even when I start to feel down I can lift myself up by looking at a happy memory ,start reading once again walking .

I Started doing things I was once interested in and found myself going back to church praying more Yes everyday I live with my PTSD ,depression and my anxiety but don’t I let define me . Depression has become so much more manageable of course I still get sad for a long time I was scared to face emotions because I knew how bad I could get if I stay in my head to much but through certain trials it pushed me to face and confront my emotions and realize I can be sad without being depressed .

Through therapy writing reading walking not overthinking each situation and meditation it has help and is continuing to help I no longer do any short of pills even with my anxiety I decide to go down more of the natural route . If it’s meant to be it will work out for me. So I focus on the good and not the bad most of the things we worry about works out for the best anyway. Peace of mind is the best thing you can have. And in order for everything to flow the way it should your mental Health is most important thing . So when your going through times don’t like them over take you.

If you need to talk to someone do that I know some times cost and not having insurance get into the way and maybe that’s why some of you guys haven’t did it for me that was ones of the reasons but I found a program in my county for therapy session at a small cost . I wanted to share my story with you guys to show you all we all go through things but coming out is the best feeling ever just have to take that first step and be the queen you where made to be . Until next time !

https://www.getrevue.co/profile/girlwidechatter

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